Old, New, Borrowed and Blue
by stereotypicalsoccermom
Summary: Bella has always hated her sister Kate. Kate invites Bella to her wedding to be in her wedding party. Madness ensues. Rated M for gratuitous use of the word "fuck", morbid alcoholism, hot-boxing at inappropriate times, cake eating, and general tomfoolery.
1. Prologue

**Old, New, Borrowed, Blue**

Prologue

The sun was in my eyes. Why would the blinds be open? Someone seriously needs to close them.

I still had at least six hours of sleep left.

Last night had been fucking awesome, and yes I had a raging hangover. Vodka infused whipped cream was probably the best invention ever, as well as the most dangerous. And you knew you had a good night if you could barely hold your cookies down in the morning. Therefore, I believe I am entitled to sleep in, even if it was my sister's wedding day.

And then it hit me. Hard.

No, seriously. Something actually hit me and it fucking hurt.

"Ouch! What the fuck?" I groaned as I opened my eyes. As soon as I did I froze. The fancy ceiling wasn't there. Where was the fancy ceiling? The pastel colors, the stupid fluffy comforter and the glittery, blinding chandelier that I hated so much… It was all gone.

Ignoring the fact that an angry demon wielding a jackhammer was wreaking havoc inside of my head, I sat up and looked at my surroundings.

I was under a bridge. I could actually hear the traffic on the bridge that I had apparently been sleeping under. My eyes were wide as I turned around and saw Alice sitting a few feet away leaning against a still unconscious Jake. She looked like shit. Her kohl eyeliner was running down one cheek and a false eyelash was hanging on by a thread while her neon pink lipstick was somehow smeared partially down her neck, but I was 100% positive that I didn't look any better. And yet, I really didn't care about my appearance because I had just woken up under a fucking bridge on the day of my sister's wedding.

"Is he breathing?" I asked quietly nodding at the seemingly sleeping giant beside her. Alice turned and laid her head against his chest for a moment, then straightened back out and nodded to me. Relief washed over me as I realized that we were all still intact. Wait a second… Jake. Alice… Kate?

"Oh fuck, where's Kate?" I muttered. Alice's eyes widened in fear and we both swiveled our heads around to look for my missing sister. There was a chain link fence a few meters away from me, and I realized we were sitting in the middle of an abandoned road. Or maybe it wasn't abandoned and the cars had just gone around us this morning. For a second I was honestly proud of us for not being killed last night, but then I remembered that my sister was still missing.

"Kate!" I called out in a voice that sounded like I smoked six packs of cigarettes a day. I coughed to try and clear my voice, but it only made my head pound harder. I ignored the pain and pushed myself to my feet. I felt unsteady and my stomach swirled uncomfortably, but that didn't matter because I had a bride to find.

"Katherine?" Alice's voice called out timidly a little ways away from me.

I walked down the concrete of the road we had passed out on, looking for my sister. Finally my gaze landed on her perfect, Gucci clad body lying in a clump of dry grass. Well… She wasn't looking very perfect at the moment with her makeup smeared across her face, one shoe missing and… wait… what was that yellow stuff in her hair?

"Alice, I found her!" I called over my shoulder as I bent down to take a closer look at the train wreck that was Katherine Stephanie Swan.

The only thing I could really think of at the moment was how all of the progress we had made last night under the influence of alcohol was going to disappear... Maybe even reverse completely... It didn't help that I really didn't want to touch her, but seeing as it was her wedding day and all, I kind of had to.

Taking a deep breath and holding it, I reached out cautiously and shook Kate's shoulder. With an un-lady-like snort she jolted away, her eyes snapping open and immediately narrowing.

"Just stay calm, Kate, everything is going to be alright," I tried to soothe, hoping that she was still a little intoxicated and that she wouldn't rip my eyes out with her talons. I kept my eyes on her long claws just in case though, I wasn't about to take a chance.

"Why are you in my fucking room, Isabella! What the…. What the fuck?" she hissed, pushing herself upright and looking around.

"Kate, come on, you gotta get up," I repeated softly, taking a few steps away from her. It was like waiting for Mt. St. Helens to explode… Mt. St. Kate. That had a nice ring to it, actually.

Finally, everything seemed to click in Kate's mind and her face turned stone cold. In true exorcist fashion her head swiveled towards me, her gaze irate, but her face was frozen. I watched her, waiting for the words, and finally they erupted from her mouth, in such a shrill voice that it was hard to hear what she was actually yelling at me.

"You! You are the one who brought me here! Where the fuck are we? And what the hell am I covered in? I never should have let you take me away from the other girls! You are a disgusting animal without an ounce of class! Isabella do you hear me? _Isabella_!"

I had turned away from my sister, clenching my fists and trying to keep my temper in check.

_Remember what Dr. Molina said to you… Channel your anger… Don't hit her, don't hit her, don't hit her…_

"I asked you a god damned question, and I expect a fucking answer!" she shrieked at me again. I whipped around setting my gaze on her less-than-perfect-for-once face. She would be pushing up daisies if looks actually could kill.

"Jesus _fucking_ Christ, Kate! I hear you, and I'm trying to figure out what the fuck happened last night, so just shut your god damned mouth for once so I can think!" I snapped at her, tired of her Godzilla-esque attitude. She fell silent for a moment, looking slightly shocked by my outburst. And then her glare was back with full a force that definitely would have melted the face off of any lesser person.

"Don't you dare talk to me like that! I am your older sister! You have a lot of explaining to do! Just wait until Daddy finds out about this! You've ruined my wedding, God dammit! Are you happy now? Couldn't accept that your sister is actually happy for once! Oh no, that's too much to give her, so you had to go and ruin everything! I hate you!" Kate's screech bounced around us mingling with the ringing of the cars over head, and I couldn't stop from stalking toward her. My anger was boiling over and I could no longer control myself.

I couldn't help it.

I did what I have wanted to do for my entire life.

I pulled back my arm, snapped my fist forward has hard as I could, and punched Queen Katherine straight in the face.

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_What do you think? Should I continue it? This is my first attempt at a fanfiction, and any mistakes are mine alone. Thanks for reading!_


	2. How Bad Could Things Get?

_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters in the series._

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**Old, New, Borrowed, Blue**

Chapter One

One Week Earlier

There is something to be said about my sister.

Actually. There are a lot of things to be said about my sister.

The most important thing is that she is the biggest bitch you will ever meet. And if you're thinking that was sarcasm, think again. Because that statement right there, is probably the most serious thing I will ever say. If I could, I would shout it from the rooftops, and warn the whole fucking world of the sack of evil that is my sister.

Hear ye, hear ye! Katherine Stephanie Swan is a complete harlot. She will suck out your soul and stomp on your every hope and dream. Run while you still have a chance!

Now, you make be thinking how I could possibly say these things about my only older sister. Well, let me take you on a small stroll down memory lane. Shall we?

Perhaps it all started when I was two years old and she decided it was a good idea to bathe both the cat and me in the toilet... At the same time. I'm sure you can guess how many scratches came out of that one. Then again it could have been when I was three and she ripped off all the heads of my Barbies and lit them on fire. Or maybe the time she switched the ketchup on my hotdog for hot sauce when I was six? And let's not forget the time she pushed my face into my cake on my twelfth birthday.

I rest my case.

She's a fucking bitch.

However, it is important that you also should know that she's perfect.

_What?_ You say. _How is this possible?_ You wonder.

Well friends, let me tell you.

Katherine Stephenie Swan is the definition of a golden girl. In high school she was the head cheerleader, managed a shining 4.0 grade point average, was accepted to Stanford, and has the body of a Swedish super model, with our mother's blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. Not to mention, she continually offers to "help" me get my life back together in such a sickeningly sweet way it makes people want to donate more money than when one of those sad animal commercials come on. You know… The kind with all the abused animals, and that stupid Sarah McLaughlin song?

Anyway.

Fuck that shit.

I swear, my sister deserves more Academy Awards than Meryl Streep. She's a damn pro at acting like a goody two shoes. My parents only see her as the squeaky clean child she pretends to be. Even my two best friends think that I'm mentally fucked in the head for thinking that anything could be wrong with Saint Katherine.

Fuck 'em.

I know what I saw throughout my childhood. I know what she's put me through. And trust me, being dragged through the mud behind a galloping horse would have been an easier punishment than getting stuck with her evil ass throughout the last twenty three years of my life.

So, you can probably guess that I have always been second best in my parent's eyes. Although, it's really not as bad as you might think. After the time they found the empty vodka bottle under my bed when I was sixteen they sort of gave up on trying to shape me into what Katherine was. Where she was skinny and perfectly mannered, I had curves and a dirty mind. Where she had bitchy cheerleading friends and the hottest boyfriend in school, I had a crazy omniscient pixie and the gayest man in the state of Washington.

And I was content with that. After I moved away with my friends to college, I was the happiest a person could ever be. I bought porn whenever I wanted, got drunk off my ass, and obviously let my gay friend play with my tits.

I was nowhere near the girl that Queen Katherine was, but I was totally okay with that.

Throughout college I barely saw Katherine since she had moved away to New York to follow her dream job of becoming a lawyer.

Bitch, please.

There was no way in hell she was actually going to do any lawyer-ing. She was going to fuck her way up the ladder and suck all of those hot shot New York lawyers dry. Maybe she was half vampire? That might explain the soulless behavior. Anyway, she'd gone out there to be a lawyer (bullshit), and only two weeks ago, she called my parents and dropped a fucking A-Bomb on them.

She was getting married.

I know, I know. What kind of person would marry that thing?

I'll tell you who: A _crazy_ person. Only a person who was certifiably insane would commit themselves to a lifetime with my sister. Jesus, you might as well marry Satan and get it over with!

And I probably shouldn't care about who the fuck she marries. I mean, she could marry Johnny Depp and I wouldn't care… Okay, maybe I'd care a little bit, but that's not what I'm trying to get at. Any guy who is stupid enough to fall for Kate's façade deserves her wrath for eternity, and I don't give a fuck about that.

What I do give a fuck about is the fact that I am now required to haul my ass all the way out to California for some stupid fucking wedding that I don't even support.

And I don't even think I've mentioned the worst part yet… The wedding will take place on a vineyard. Do you know how fun a wedding is when the venue is a fucking vineyard? Personally, going on a scale of one to fuckawesome, I'd say it's about a two. Sure it's pretty, but shit all they have to drink is wine. Not that I have anything against wine, but I'm the kind of girl who can't have a good time unless there is some hard liquor flowing…

Does that make me reckless?

Probably.

Do I care?

At this point, the amount of fucks being given is a grand total of 0. However, I've also had time to plan things out, at least to the slightest degree. I managed to convince my two best friends Alice and Jacob to accompany me to the wedding, despite the fact that they did not manage an invitation. Because there is no way in fucking hell that I'm going to go alone to face Kate's awful ass, and be surrounded by old, decrepit people who didn't even know that girls were allowed to wear pants in public nowadays.

Now all I needed to do was pull on my big girl panties and get this over with.

I only have to be there for the last week before the wedding, and then it will be all over.

Maybe if I just manage to avoid Katherine for the week leading up to the wedding then things will be fine... Honestly, how bad could things get in just a week?

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_Review and let me know what you think. Reviewers will get a snippet of what is to come! Thanks for reading! -SSM_


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